Karen at Confessions of an Aspergers Mom writes a fantastic blog about raising teenagers on the spectrum. She's not only a great writer, but draws from her experiences raising 2 teenagers on the spectrum.
Invaluable and under represented.
Sassy, funny, and witty, yet fierce, staunch and poetic.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present one of my favorite bloggers and friends, Confessions of an Aspergers Mom...
Teens on an Alternate Universe
If kids were born as
teenagers, the world would cease to exist as we know it. People would never have more than one. I think I had some of the most beautiful
babies on earth. The first one was so
freaking cute…he tricked me into having another one. It wasn't until the second one was on his
way, that we figured out that my first born was speech delayed, extremely
active and had a knack for having temper tantrums. We knew nothing of autism at that time. It wasn't even a blip on the radar. The thought of having children with special
needs was nowhere in my wildest imagination.
When my doctor told me I had another "very active" boy in the
womb, suddenly I wondered what in the
hell I had gotten myself in to!
When they are babies they are
so cute and adorable. They smell
good. They make you smile by their sheer
existence. They don't talk and when they
finally do --it's such a miracle that you are thrilled. They stay pretty darn cute until around the
time they leave elementary school. You
know right up until the point that they reach adolescence. Then it's a whole different ball game.
When they are teens …who
never stop talking …back. They never
stop asking for more and complaining…non-stop.
Suddenly, they aint so cute anymore.
When they are teens, those little tantrums they had when they were
small, become big and ugly. Meltdowns
can leave holes in your walls and break down your doors. Yes -off the hinges.
When they are bigger than you
are …you can no longer control them physically and that offers a whole new set
of challenges. You never imagine
yourself having to call the police to your own home because your child has
become violent and is destroying property
during a meltdown.
You never imagine yourself
checking your child into a pediatric mental ward because he has become so
depressed, that he has threatened to harm himself. Who parent does such a thing…right? Don't judge until it happens to you. There
are many days that you can't believe this has become your life. You never knew the teen years could be this
hard.
So it turns out that I have
not one, but two children on the spectrum.
We didn't have the benefit of an early diagnosis like so many have
today. My first born child is now 17 years-old. He was born in 1995. Early on we had no idea that he was actually
on the spectrum. Between the age of two
and three, I noticed that his speech was delayed. He talked, but we did not understand much of
what he was saying.
Yes, he saw a Pediatric Neurologist and entered
Preschool for Children with Disabilities.
However, we were simply given the speech delay diagnosis. Later, in 1st grade, there was ADHD. In 4th grade there was depression, which
really brought me to my knees. But even that did not accurately paint the total
picture of my child. There were still
some pieces to the puzzle to be solved.
None of this fully described
my special child, who never seemed to pay attention and didn't give much
eye-contact. He made really good grades
and seemed to pick up on everything that he appeared to not be paying attention
to. There were many other signs that in
hindsight are blatantly obvious that he is on the spectrum, but as I said, I knew nothing of autism and what I did know
of it, didn't look like my boy. The term
Pervasive Development Disorder was thrown our way. I heard the word pervasive and I thought it
meant all-encompassing. My child is very
bright. He is high-functioning in so
many ways. What the heck do you mean
Pervasive Developmental Disorder?
We did not get the official
diagnosis for Red until he was 12 and in the 6th grade. The lack of social connections, and fitting
in with peers were definitely a huge part of his depression. Shortly after Red's diagnosis, I had my younger
son evaluated because he had some of the same sensory issues and he did not
seem to pick up on social cues. He had
very black and white thinking, and would periodically become emotionally
unhinged when teachers did not do things the way that he thought they
should. We came up with an Aspergers
diagnosis for Blue as well. He was 9 at
the time.
He had started asking
questions like, "Why am I so different?" I wanted to get answers for him.
I started my blog
"Confessions of an Aspergers Mom" as both boys were crossing over
into adolescence. I am a writer at heart
and in spirit. Writing about my life is
my therapy. There are many autism blogs
out there in the world, and it seems that the majority of them are about younger
children. My readers come to me to see
what they are going to be dealing with in the teenage years. Let's face it, any of us with an autism
diagnosis for our kids, are constantly
worrying about what is in their future.
Well, I am here to tell you
…this shit is hard! However, there is
hope. There is growth and it will get
better.
Entering in middle-school is
scary for them. It was scary for
me. Both of my boys were at the same
elementary school from pre-K until 5th grade.
Everyone knew them. Everyone
loved them…anyone who didn't, got their ass kicked by me until eventually, they
fell in love with them too.
They both made it through
their first year of middle school, one a little better than the other. My younger son Blue, had the benefit of
having of a great autism program, with a social skills component in place. He has a special education teacher who
understands him, and helps advocate for him with his team of teachers. We worked together with coaches to make P.E.
class a little more tolerable for him.
And somehow of his own volition …the cafeteria which was a nightmare in
elementary school, became tolerable in middle school. He even started eating their food.
The boy who entered school
deathly afraid of dressing out and eating in the cafeteria, left school that
year doing both very well. Not only
that, he did so well academically, that we ended up moving him into advanced
classes for the 7th grade. He not only
survived his first year of middle school, he actually thrived. This was also the year he started eating a
more balanced diet. Of course, there
were plenty of hiccups along the way, but I am so proud of his growth.
My eldest, Red barely
survived middle school. We had to move
him from his home campus to another campus that had a more intensive program
for those on the spectrum and those with behavior issues. Back then the home campus where Blue now
attends was absolutely clueless about autism and they really did not have much
in terms of support.
Red is doing better now in
high school. He is back in our
neighborhood on his home campus, but in a special education program called
Project Achieve. Once, I threatened to
take him out and put him in private school,
they changed his campus and brought all of the resources out of the
woodwork to make things work for him.
They knew the boy has a big
mouth mother who has a blog, and would rip them to shreds publicly for not
doing enough for her child. Not only
that, I would sue them to pay for his private school education.
Blue is now in his last year
of middle school. He continues to do
well academically. He has friends, many
of whom are on the spectrum as well. He
keeps his social calendar full, every single weekend. He is still anxious, and somewhat
depressed. We continue to struggle with
finding the right medication combination to help him with his anxiety. Many a day he is an emotional wreck as his
body goes through hormonal changes. He
manages to keep his grades up and rarely falls apart at school. He saves most of the drama for me at home.
Red is now 17, a junior in
high-school. He is in mostly
special-education classes, where he thrives academically, but really doesn't
see the point of Algebra, Geometry and History. He has extremely slow processing, so he can
do grade level work, just at a much slower speed than his peers. His best subject is math. Why? Because it is so black and white. It's not about interpretation …it's about
formula. Follow the formula and find the
right answer.
He struggles quite a bit
socially, which is a cause of much perseveration and distraction in class. There was a time that I prayed for just one
good friend. And now he actually has
several close friends. He has many of
his social needs met, by attending church and youth group, which he decided to
do, on his own. He makes arrangements to
get to church every Sunday, and at least once during the week for youth
service. He also volunteers at school
with kids who have more severe disabilities.
It lights up his world to help others.
His special interest is film
editing, and videography. He has started
his own videography business. He does
events like birthday parties, and soccer games and photo montages. He did our family reunion video, which I
believe, was his best project yet. He
does well with this when he is not focused on social issues. He has self-taught himself how to use
video-editing software. His video mentor
says that he has enough skills now to find a job as an assistant editor for a
television station. We plan to have him
get a certification in video-technology at the local community college after
high school.
As kids get older and start
to figure out that they are definitely different, it is so hard for them.
They have the need and desire to fit in socially with their peers, they
can become depressed. As a parent it is
so hard to watch them try to navigate the treacherous waters of middle and high
school. We can guide them, we can
advocate for them, and teach them to advocate for themselves. But at the end of the day, we can't walk in
their shoes and completely protect them from the world. I work on finding
balance every single day.
The good news is …they
continue to move forward. They grow,
change and mature, sometimes not as quickly as we might like for them to. If we continue to pay attention and work with
them on independent living skills, and self-advocacy, there is no reason to
believe that they will not be able to live productive lives as so many on the
spectrum do.
Ed. Note - Check out her blog here and "like her facebook page here
Ed. Note - Check out her blog here and "like her facebook page here
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